• Kelly

So, I've Been Thinking.....

Updated: Sep 25, 2020


About Spiders Being Places They Have No Business Being, Namely, My Bedroom. It's 3 am and I just found a spider in my room. Correction, just lost a spider in my room, so I figured what better time to write a blog entry than now.


I have every light on in the house, have moved my son from his bassinet for fear the spider will somehow climb in with him and am seeking refuge in the middle of my bed, son snoozing away in my lap.


I'm daring the wretched 800 leg beast to show himself so I can smack my husband awake in a thwarted attempt to rectify the situation, wad of toilet paper balled up and ready for battle, preparing myself for those dreaded words, “What spider? I can't find any spider. Are you sure you weren't dreaming?” knowing it has indubitably crept back into its hidey-hole and is peering out at me, daring me to turn the lights off and go back to sleep.


But what the spider doesn't know is that I have an infant son that I am exclusively breastfeeding, so sleep ain't shit in this house. I can stare at the wall for days.  But then night turns to day and exhaustion sets in and the thoughts, they come a creepin’.


Do spiders like pillows? Are they notorious for crawling on pillows? How do they feel about FACES? Do they like to crawl on faces? Is my sleeping face a spider campground? No, I'm seriously asking. This isn't rhetorical. IS IT?  I'm never going to sleep again. Time to Google “average spider lifespan” and stare at the last place Spidey was seen until my husband wakes up and can take over for me.


We'll just sleep in shifts. Yeah. That works.


We'll sleep in shifts until Google says it's safe to resume normal behavior.  But what if Spidey has asshole cousins that move in? Time to sell the house.  Once I had a furnace installed and a day later found a black widow spider in my kitchen. Boy, did that suck. My husband and I just stood there like dolts, darting nervously to and fro, deliberating on who should kill it, who had the most cat-like reflexes should it decide to pull some shit like jump or do whatever nonsense bullshit spiders do.


I should have called the HVAC company and told them to come back for their spider. Pretty sure my Google review went something like this:


“Got the AC back up and running in no time flat! Cleaned up after themselves :) Polite and professional! Awesome prices. BROUGHT A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER INTO MY HOUSE AND ULTIMATELY RUINED MY KITCHEN FOR ME, FOREVER, EVEN AFTER KILLING SAID SPIDER, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT BAG OF SHIT HAS FRIENDS, SO YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT. PREFERED CASH FOR THE FURNACE BUT LEFT THE SPIDER, FREE OF CHARGE. Would love to give five stars but feel 4 is apropos, all things considered.”

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